One of the hardest things to do is to treat all of my children fairly. That may sound crazy, but it's true. I had written the word equally instead of fairly at first, then changed it. Equally would imply that I should ask my baby girl(she's six) to help me move some furniture, or cradle my 110 lb. oldest son in my arms(not going to happen). I couldn't possible treat all of my children exactly the same because they are not the same; in size, disposition, or educational level. The only area that they are completely equal in is how much I love them. However, I can treat them fairly. It seems strange to punish my six-year-old daughter for hitting one of her big brothers when I know she didn't really hurt him, but I must. It's the behavior, not the result. If my ten-year-old says a cuss word and nobody hears it, does it still make a noise? Yes, and it ticks me off, too!
I don't punish my children to hurt them or to let them know who's boss(they know until they can cook their favorite meals who the boss is!). Their punishments help them learn to self-edit themselves(redundant) and to do the right thing the first time. I won't always be there. It's important for them to learn that they suffer from their bad behavior just as much as the person they injure, either physically or verbally. They know that people don't like to be around a real meanie. Neither grown-ups nor children. I'm just making sure my kids aren't the meanies in question.
My children do get spankings from me, just not that often. I'm not really the enforcer type(more of the psychologist/male model type). I do limit the physical punishment to their physical crimes. Most verbal aggravation and general smart-mouthiness gets them sent to their rooms or the removal of something that they are really into at that moment, i.e. TV, the computer, art supplies, or a favorite toy. Hitting or pushing is a different story. Those episodes are so rare, though(thankfully). When I come into the room after they've had a physical confrontation, I get every one's story. Usually, it only takes a second to know who's to blame. If my question is why did you hit him/her and the answer is, "I don't know", then that's the one! I do take self-defense as an excuse, but not much of one. If you watch professional sports, then you know that the person who throws the second punch always gets in trouble too, sometimes more if nobody saw the first guy do it.
I always send them to their rooms before a spanking(the waiting is also an agonizing form of punishment for a child), and I go somewhere and cool down for a few minutes so I don't spank them because I'm angry. That is an absolute parenting no-no. After their discipline, I hug them, tell them I love them, and tell them if they do it again they will get the same thing. I let them know that I didn't spank them because I was mad at them, but because they had to learn that you can't go through life trying to exert physical control over people. Individuals who try to dominate others through threats of violence don't make it too well in the real world. Those guys always get theirs in the end(pun intended).
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